Wow it’s well into June already and I am really struggling to stay positive. I kept saying to myself that I would kick no 5 in the ass, and I am not sure who won lol. Not for lack of trying believe me! So time to get those thoughts and feelings into my blog, it really helps me take the edge off.

Last weekend was good and Nathan was down and it was quiet and relaxed as weekends go, I was feeling ok, not brilliant but ok. I had Bentley the whole week before after my treatment and that was great. He kept me company and made sure I was out walking with him. He really is very special to me. Somehow he hurt his dewclaw, probably while racing around the woods. I told Nathan he kept licking it and we decided it best to take him to the vet on Saturday to get it checked out and fixed up. Wait for it….Nathan says to me, you broke my dog lol. One week with me and he is off to the vets. My fiance does have a wicked sense of humour. So in comes the cone of shame for poor Bentley. Bless him. On the mend now.

That same weekend we were invited to Denis and Jeremy for a BBQ with Frankie and Pascale. It was such a lovey evening and a great meal as always at D&J’s!  It was great to get together with a great dinner topic, the upcoming elections! NOT! I love that everyone has different opinions there and it was quite amicable really haha! Jeremy mentioned he had been sent to bed over the topic the night before, bless him. Let’s just say I am no fan of Theresa ‘strong and stable’ May. This country is in a total mess at the moment. We need change that’s for sure. Can you guess I voted Labour?! And as for BREXIT that’s the worst thing that ever could have happened, especially for the freedom of travel and especially when you work in aviation. We can’t stand alone like some people think. Rant over lol!

And with all the terror attacks of late, it’s quite indicative of the times ahead and we have been too tolerant and too politically correct. However Brits have their own ways of dealing with these type of attacks. People are not afraid and won’t give up their freedoms and rights, which is why I feel at home here 😉

This past week was also good, managed to get to work a few days, Monday and Tuesday. and to the gym 3 times, not bad I would say. Thanks to Bella for dragging me through CT class, Bernie for making sure I did all the sets (not that she can count lol) and to Pammy for being my buddy in Body Attack!  Boy was I tired on Thursday evening after a great day sorting out the warehouse with Denis in Stansted. I was like a cripple haha! Maybe I took on too much but hey, while you are in the moment sometimes best to carry on. Or is it?

Towards the end of the week I started to get a sore mouth, which is one of the side effects of Chemo. Hadn’t had that since early on. It’s basically like having razor blades in your mouth, so making it hard to eat and and swallow. On Friday morning my lower lip was swollen up. It’s not pleasant but we had a weekend planned in Cardiff and Denis and Jeremy were coming to stay with us. We had planned this a while back and I know they were excited about coming as much as we were about having them. I had told Nathan I wasn’t great and he tried to get me to cancel it but I just didn’t have the heart to. I can be stubborn sometimes 😉

The boys arrived a little after me on Friday and the weather was pretty good so we headed out to the terrace for drinks and eventually Nathan came home from work. We had dinner booked later on at one of our favourite places in Cardiff, La Vita. Just love the food and ambiance there. I think that is where I went wrong. I struggled through my meal and it was so difficult to chew with my mouth issue and I was not in the greatest of moods. I don’t even remember what Nathan said to me but all of a sudden I snapped and let out a tirade of shit. I really did piss him off and embarass him. I think I have hit a wall these days. We are ok don’t worry. It’s just what I am going through right now and he doesn’t deserve my anger. I was out of line. He is like my rock.

I really feel like a burden at present. I am not really enjoying this existing for the few good days in between the frequent bad days. This treament does kill you slowly, I am finally realising it is not a walk in the park. Had a conversation with Una this week and she was surprised I was working or doing anything. She didn’t during her treatment and she has had the stem cell transplant. She just said no matter what you do, don’t do that treatment, as it didn’t work for her, and it requires something like 12 hours of intense Chemo straight. Sound interesting? NOT!  I am still on the fence about that one, as I mentioned last time Dr Marcus is leaning towards radiotherapy to the localised area. Answers on a postcard.

Woke up yesterday and I was feeling rough, mouth issue still there, pain everywhere in my body, not intense but enough to tell me something is not right. Strangely Nathan had been awake for a few hours and when I woke at 730 I think it was he was there beside me catching up stuff on his phone. Dragged myself downstairs and really thought how am I going to get through this day and the rest of the weekend. We had plans for both of Nathan’s besties, Louise and CJ to join us for dinner. I had not seem them in what feels like ages too. The boys then all went to take Bentley out and stop off for a Bacon Roll at the Farmers Market around the corner. I wish! I opted to stay in and head back to bed for a bit and see if I could shake it off. I woke up when they came back and Nathan could see I was not right. He then decided to take the boys down the Bay which is really such a great place for visitors to see. I am envious but I just can’t do it anymore.

I then decided I am going to go home and started packing up while texting Nathan and Denis. I am so sorry but I have to go and they can still enjoy their weekend. Not ideal and they offered to bring me tea in bed etc but that is not me. I just got back in the car and drove home, in tears most of the way, as the weekends are precious to both of us, it was in no way an easy decision. I am no longer comfortable in public places, hate the way I look, tired of being sick, I’m totally out of shape and not to mention a useless fiancé with zero sex drive. Hey I know intense right, but Cancer is a bitch. I just need to hide away for some time until I feel like me again. It feels like this has been going on forever, diagnosed on 1st Decemeber and we are still at in June. It takes away a big chunk of your life. It changes you forever. It either kills you or makes you stronger. I am not giving up, but it’s one hell of a battle I would not wish on anyone. Many people are affected and they know what I am talking about.

Thanks for the love and support you all give me, I am humbled.

Until next time, Love and Light X