The day hadn’t started off very well as my boyfriend Nathan and I had a difference of opinion the night before and I hate not resolving things before going to sleep. I am a bit weird most of the time but don’t really know what got into me to even have gone there. This will seem soo insignificant later in the day. So I do the normal routine and head to the gym at 630am for my Body Attack class (sad I know) and then come home to get ready for my follow up appointment at the docs.
Let me take you back a bit…I had a lump (lymph node thingy) removed from my neck on the 9th November and up until then everyone seemed quite relaxed about it all. First an ultrasound then needle biopsy but nothing conclusive… it got smaller then bigger and I thought I don’t like this not knowing and so brought my appointment forward by a month and the decision was made to remove it as I was not happy and thought what if? Job done or so you would think so.
Can’t help but feel relaxed about getting the results until I was getting closer to the hospital..then I thought fuck, what if it’s life changing news…I was getting slightly un-nerved and didn’t have my bestie there as was thinking I will be in and out (I normally drag him to any appointment as my support). I arrive at the Lane Foxx Centre at the hospital and am due to be seen at 1115 and it seems to take forever to be called in. I think it was just before 12 when they finally called my name. Once inside I am quickly greeted by the Doc and 2 nurses all intently focused on me. Mr Kapoor, my consultant then says we removed that lump and we now have the results and it’s serious, its C.A.N.C.E.R and it’s aggressive and you will need treatment (Chemotherapy)….WTF I am just not ready for this and am I hearing correctly…How serious I ask? It’s very serious and it’s in your blood in your body. I then said you removed it so? Yes but that’s not the end of this, you have Anaplastic large cell lymphoma (like I know what that means). I start babbling like I have plans for Christmas and a holiday booked in March…I am told you will need to re-think about all these as treatment will need to start asap. Do you have a partner he asks, I say yes a wonderful new partner just brilliant! Like WTF I ask could I die? Yes you could… Mr Kapoor answered. I say I am fit healthy and gym most days, in great shape, don’t feel ill at all. He says all depends what stage I am at which is not yet identified. 1-4 are the stages. He then says if I were you, in your situation, I would fight it all the way. I could not help but feel numb and like this can’t be happening to me, but it’s not a dream, this is real shit. OK now I am booked for another appointment on Monday and need to have a PET scan…why do they use such nicknames lol! I am told I can ask questions and get in touch anytime I want but I am now being handed over to the Haemato-Oncology department. The nurse gives me some book to take with me to read about my cancer, don’t read the whole book…I said fuck no, why would I want to. Everyone was great, as much as great is at a time like tha
I remember walking out to my car and going to the passenger side and thinking get a grip wrong side. I get in the car and I freeze….I then burst out crying thinking what do I do now. I messaged Nathan then Denis, Bernie, Pammy, Tommy and called Diane to let her know what was up and that I would not be coming into the office as I needed time to think. I was a wreck on the phone. Nathan called on my way home…god knows how I drove home that seems a blurr. I tell Nathan I can’t really talk as driving and say can we speak later. Got home and what do you do? I did some laundry of course, something normal, made a coffee and thought WTF. Where do I go from here?
Bernie popped by and stayed with me in the afternoon, she had cups of tea and I got straight on the voddie thinking I need something stronger than bloody tea! We cried a little then laughed a little too. I really appreciate her being there all day. We talk about fighting back. We discuss the seriousness of this and WTF. Tommy boy called on FT from Bradford and we end up having a giggle and saying some naughty things and didn’t realise we were on speaker lol! Denis and Frankie pop by and I pour more drinks and it was not easy when I greeted them, the hugs and the flood of tears but soon replaced by laughter and more drinks. I remember hugging Denis so hard and we both just held on for dear life and cried because that is what friends do for each other. Pammy pops by as well so I am surrounded by such wonderful and loving friends who just want to be there for me. What more could you ask for?
Nathan messages me to say all plans cancelled and he just wants to be with me and I say no we have to do something normal this weekend, we compromise. I love him soo much and his message about not dumping me during this just really made me laugh and cry at the same time. He really means the world to me.
Drinking continues and then FT with Nathan who is so amazingly supportive and then with Karen on FT too, we cry we laugh we have another drink. I will never forget this day for as long as I live. It was life changing.