Well a fews days on and I am like an emotional rollercoaster, I am ok one minute then having a meltdown the next. So like a trooper I went back to work on Friday as doing normal stuff is probably best for me right now. It felt strange and I decided to share my situation with a few people that are close to me at the office, sometimes you can’t keep shit like this inside. Denis was like a rock as always and made sure I was not allowed to sit and wallow in my feelings. We left early which was a good thing and as Nathan was arriving later I wanted to make him dinner and spend a nice quiet time together before we headed off to Ladywell and London the next day. Trying to be normal right? I thought let’s enjoy every moment of me being able to function normally. Why is it I don’t feel ill?
My mind is racing and I am thinking about finances and getting stuff in order. I need everything to be easy and stress free right now. I got in touch with Diane at work as wanted to change my death in service benefit over to Nathan. I just thought if anything happens to me I want him to be taken care of. Strange thoughts but nevertheless best to be prepared for the worst.
Bella and Dave popped round to see me and like everyone who is in my tribe they were wonderful and so supportive. Sometimes we don’t realise how well surrounded we are. We had a nice catch up and off I went to pick up Nathan from train station. I always knew he was ‘the one’ but now it’s intensified by tenfold. I can be myself with him and he was saying just let everything out. Love does matter. Love makes a difference. Can’t imagine how he will feel as we commence this journey together, all I know is he is going to be there for me. Best hugs and cuddles a boy could possible wish for. He really is everything to me.
I decided to give Nathan his Christmas gift early because I wanted to selfishly enjoy the moment while I felt good. He was so shocked when I presented him with his new MacBook Air. I knew it was something he needed and I wanted him to have something to help us with FT and comms and something he could use for his work. We live 176 miles apart so it’s important to be connected every day when we are not together. You see Nathan is a very talented hairstylist and really does not give himself enough credit. He could be a business and maybe this could help him in the future. Only the best for my boy.
On Saturday Nathan and I headed off to Ladywell to meet his bestie Amanda, who is an absolute darling. A little car issue as always and had to get that checked out before we hit the road. We arrive and are greeted by his beautiful girl. So welcoming and full of life. We started the day with the most amazing bacon and egg sandwiches and ended the day with fish and chips (only chips for me lol) This was to be the most amazing day of drinking, laughing, dancing and just being together. We didn’t even make it to London as planned, it just ended up with the 3 of us on the sofa all cuddled up and tiddled. Love matters.
During the weekend I managed to be in touch with more of my mates to let them know what I was about to face so I was just getting loads of positive vibes back in their messages. Not a time to be alone in this. Each message meant I tried to stop the tears from rolling down my face. Cancer sucks! A mate of mine Jamie really had some great words of advice and managed to get me to laugh a little more and realise how great people can be in times of trouble, even when you don’t know them that well. Can’t beat a Scotsman!
Sunday started with a nice lie in and I don’t think Nathan and I could get any closer in the bed. We were glued together all night and there is nothing like that feeling of togetherness. Slightly hungover but nothing new there haha! We had a lazy morning with more of Amanda’s hospitality and more bacon and egg sarnies! Managed to help her with fixing an audio system that wasn’t working to stream music throughout her flat. Doing normal shit is good.
We set off to do some shopping at TK Maxx and in hindsight was probably not really what I needed. Why would I want to look at or buy anything when I have no clue what the future holds. I almost had a meltdown in M&S and I took Nathan aside and said I need to go back to the flat pack up and get home. He gets me and that’s all I can ask for. I just wanted to get back home. We hugged so tight and I just wanted to get behind the wheel of my car with my shades on and have a good cry, and that I did.
Got home and then thought it maybe wasn’t good to be alone, after a few messages with the gang I had Denis, Jeremy, Pascale and Bernie around. People I love. Like you do on a Sunday night. Had Cynthia on FT as well and it was just good to have everyone’s support. Drinks and laughter and some serious talk about the times to come. We talked about kicking cancer in the ass. Apparently there is some seriously groovy treatment in Germany and maybe something that needs to be explored? Cynthia trying to get me to look at some mantras and I think I will need everything to fight this bastard. I would not manage without all of these crazy and wonderful people around me.
The evening ended with Nathan and I on FT (and Amanda haha). I can not tell you how much him taking the time meant to me (as drunk as he was lol) . Love really matters.