Talk about mood swings eh? I do my best to stay positive all the time but sometimes you just can’t control your emotions and thought processes. Somehow yesterday evening a dark cloud just crept over me. It could have something to do with starting my injections again, but that’s become more of a routine now. I’m just really sick of being sick if that makes sense. Half way through seemed like a great concept the other day but now I just want it to be over.

I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I miss the old me. The one with all the energy and in the gym most days. I look in the mirror and what do I see? A complete stranger looking back at me, with a dusting of hair, 7 extra kgs and zero sex drive. A lot to take and all at the same time. Nathan must be a saint to put up with me right now because I am not putting up with me right now lol.

 

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Missing the old me

Was back to work yesterday and it’s so strange how people look at you or don’t when you have the big ‘C’. One of my girls Serap came in to visit and straight away said I am loving your new look. I was like ok, let me explain something, I did not bring this new look on myself, it’s just what I am having to deal with right now. Bless her and it’s never easy to tell anyone without being blunt. It’s not only what others think about you, it has a lot to do with how we perceive ourselves. And I am not happy with the current view!

Woke up this morning after a shit night’s sleep and thought I don’t really want to get out of bed, nor less leave the house. Thankfully I had a PT session booked with Bernie and I knew that she would push me through it no matter what. It was a hard slog but we did it, sometimes you just have to push on through. Somehow lifting helps. Could easlily just crawl back into bed and turn the lights out today, but we are not going there. Back in for more gym tomorrow, not going to give in to it. Not now, not ever.

Hey a lot of good things going on too so it’s not all doom and gloom. Just having one of those blips. Anxious about the upcoming PET scan too, that doesn’t help. What is meant to be will be. Inshalah.

Thanks to all my friends for being there for me and especially Mr Nathan Pithers. I am of course a very lucky boy.

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Pascale you will be glad to know your beautiful orchid has made it safely to Cardiff and is in good hands ❀

 

 

 

 

 

 

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11 Comments

  1. Dearest Mark, reading your blog today really hit a chord with me. I understand what you mean by how you are feeling with regard to how you look. A few years ago not long after my life changing event and somewhere between my 3rd and 4th surgery I was out shopping at a local mall. I still used my cane at that time for balance, but was quite able to go about and drive, walk etc., take care of my needs. Anyway, while walking about the mall my eye caught a glimpse of a reflection of an older woman in a shop window and I looked back at her for a second longer look and of course you can imagine what I discovered…it was me, the angles of the store windows had reflected back my own image. I was startled and shocked to realize it was me I was looking at. Needless to say it saddened me and I fell into a depression after that incident and it lasted several months to be honest. I would cry myself to sleep some nights yearning for the woman who used to look back from a reflection in a window, the woman who I thought still turned heads, who was vibrant and who had a quick step to her walk…my heart was, at times, broken believing that she was gone forever and I so missed the person I was before the accident. So while my journey was very different from yours and I am in awe of how you find the strength every day to still do what you do while going through chemo, I can say that I do get how it can make the soul cry when you feel less than who you were before. I can also say though that it does come back…you will find yourself again and you will eventually like the appearance of who looks back at you in the mirror. I learned that our bodies are not a constant, nothing in this life is constant except for love, that never changes, and love will always transcend any physical shape we take on. So I’m sending you love bundled with the strength to be patient and this physical state you are in will pass. But please know that your feelings are valid and take the time some days to mourn the old Mark, as I did the old Karen, for when you come out the other side you will regain the beauty and strength you had before your journey. Love you Mark ❀️❀️

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    1. Thanks for your lovely words dear Karen, you know exactly what I am talking about and even though it was a different situation it was the same situation. You wanted to be you again and that is something totally understandable and normal. I’m really ok most days just really hit me all of a sudden. It’s not that I worry about everything getting back to normal, it’s the ‘now’ I am dreading. I am really sick of being sick and it’s just going to have to take its course. I’ve never been really patient about anything and this is no different. Love you Karen <3<3

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  2. Dearest Mark, I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling at the moment, it’s completely understandable that you feel so low right now, as you’re normally so active and upbeat, this must be so frustrating for you πŸ˜” for that I’m so sorry. I have complete faith you will pull through these dark days like the little pocket rocket that you are! We are all here behind you in your dark and bright days 🌟 don’t ever forget that πŸ™πŸ» you have the biggest fan club! Even if you don’t feel your old self, we still love you for you! I hope you feel comfort from the love and support that surround you πŸ’•Sending you big hugs πŸ€— XX

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    1. Sweet Donna, thanks again for the lovely words and your support. The sun will shine again I know, it’s just getting to me. I am in a hurry to get back to normal and I know things take time. Hugs right back! XXX

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      1. You’re absolutely right Mark, the sun β˜€οΈ will shine again, there are just a few little clouds that need to float away – brighter days will be with you very soon I’m sure πŸ˜‰ sending you tons of PMA 🌟🌟🌟🌟xxx

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  3. Dearest Markypoo. Have just caught up with yr latest blogs and really do get the down days. It is almost a year since I smashed up my ankle and know how despairing some days can be. Am praying for you and sending strong vibes for a good result following yr next PET scan. Lovely to see u this am albeit in passing. Much love Chrissypoo. πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Chrissypoo sorry we were in a hurry this morning and you were on fire on that treadmill! I know you have been through it bad yourself with your annkle and I must say you are doing amazing. We both need to be patient and that’s not our fortΓ©! Love to you ❀ Markypoo XX

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  4. Hey there my beautiful friend πŸ™‚

    It is OK to not be positive all the time, it is OK to feel sad, it is OK to cry and it is OK to be angry too! It is OK to feel all these emotions and yes, it is OK to feel super frustrated! It is OK to be human πŸ™‚

    You are such a positive and beautiful soul my dearest Mark and that is what will get you through this shitty journey that you are on at the moment – just flow with the river and then you when you get to the end of it and climb back on dry land, you will be even stronger again.

    I am sending another army of Angels your way to help you with the ‘fog’ and to support you through these rough times.

    You are never, ever far from my thoughts and I love you to the moon and back!

    You Rock! and don’t forget it!

    With loads of love, huge hugs and kisses
    Yours KJ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey there gorgeous you always come up with the goods! Love you heaps and the main reason I put it out there is to get rid of these feelings. Once they are out there you can deal with them. Shit journey yes and there is no option but to plow on through. Thanks for all the Angels they really do come in handy ❀ Your always Mark XX

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