Something has to be said for those having gone through this Cancer thing. No one really talks about the emotional shit once you are through with all the treatment. Like it’s something to be celebrated, NOT. Ok yes it’s great to have the all clear but is it really? What if it comes back, you always have that going on in your mind, even the slightest niggle you get. Perhaps it’s too fresh or something. It changes you forever. But in a strange way it makes you appreciate the important stuff and to say ‘fuck it’ to the insignificant shit.
Everyone saying you look amazing and that super sweet but somehow I don’t feel I do. I guess it’s just a matter of time before I feel like Mark again. I miss the energy I had and somehow I guess my ability to be the old me is somehow impaired. I guess it’s more about living for today and being the new me, or the new old me. Which is it? I guess I have some control over that.
It’s been a great month of October, trying to get back in the swing of things with work, gym, holiday with my better half and just enjoying the fact this year is almost over. I really feel like I have lost track of time and just drifted through 2017. Time to look ahead and start a fresh new year as healthy as I can. I have a very long road to get back to that person I was so happy with in 2016. I had worked so hard on self improvement and fitness. It’s really the climb at the moment. I am not even comfortable in my clothes not to mention my own skin. I know I need to be patient but I guess once I make that decision to fight for it, I can get back there, maybe even better than before? Am I being silly, unrealistic?
Nathan and I managed to get away for a few days earlier this month and it was the first time since I went through my treatment. If you remember the last time we had a holiday it was in March and I asked him to marry me while we were in Firenze. You see I was still the old me then. It was a very memorable time and I would not change a thing.
Had a lush time in Brugges, land of chocolate and lace not to mention the chocolate willies and pussies which Nathan had to buy for his mates. We really managed to just enjoy being together and no agenda, nothing planned. Ok a few churches for good measure! lol Eat, sleep, drink repeat. With a few naps here and there. Hotel was shit (but cheap) and the trip there and back on Eurostar I quite liked (except the business class = no class catering). It was really just what we needed. Some us time. Great to spend quality time with my boy.
Hey can I just say that I am getting excited about a few things? My bestie Karen is arriving in a couple of days and staying until next week, I’m marrying an amazing guy in just over 18 months and busy planning another Bestie Bernie’s big 5-0 party this coming weekend. I have a lot to be thankful for, don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to be sounding mellow dramatic in any way, but sometimes I feel depressed. Snap out of it, is what I tell myself on a daily basis. I am cool with it thought because I am happy to talk about it, I don’t really keep things inside. I am very open about my feelings. I mean whats the point in keeping them hidden away? Anyone who has been through something like this can relate.
Hey have a look at the taster tape of that work we did for Flicker Productions, all together with some other great stories. I look back at this and can’t recognise that person in the video. I really looked like a Cancer patient. Just think it was filmed in July this year. What do you think? I have contemplated adding it here but thought it would be great to share a part of my journey in real time.
It’s hard to believe that it’s November tomorrow and Christmas is around the corner. Bentley has been with me for almost 2 weeks now and I must say apart from Nathan, this boy of ours brings me so much joy. He is awesome and gives the best cuddles, he is literally like my shadow. I guess I just got lucky and the universe gave me what I needed just at the right time in my life. Life is about to get good!
Thanks for reading me as always.
Love and light.