Woke up yesterday in a very emotional state and went about the daily Thursday ritual, text Pammy to say meet you in the car park at 620 for our Body Attack class by Ems. Most people sound asleep at this time but no not us, we are hardcore! Strangely when at the gym I feel the most normal, don’t even give it a thought that I am a cancer patient. That class is hard and I know I won’t be able to do this for much longer so get in there…

Got home and started packing as heading straight to Cardiff after the Flight Attendant gathering. Always bring lots of goodies for my boy. Was just about to get in the shower and I thought I needed to ask Nathan something. Random things in my head these days. I messaged him to ask if I ticked all the boxes for him and was there anything I could do better or change. Needless to say I am in bits at this point thinking how he didn’t deserve what he is about to go through with my ‘problem’. He replies yes you do and he asks does he? He ticks every single box and more, he is my rock right now. He did text later in the day to say….I just thought of something….change your mind about a gas hob, as we had had a discussion about this on the weekend, so funny as I am so not a gas hob guy, love my induction. Gas it will be, whatever the boy wants. Random thoughts and conversations.

Cried all the way to work stuck in traffic and messaging Lorna and asking her not to make me cry at the gathering later in the day. She really is upset by my situation and I know if we spend any time together we will both lose it. Denis and I both listening to FREE by Faith Hill in different cars today which is strange. We normally car pool every day. I must say I find that album by Faith Hill so therapeutic for me right now. Deep tracks. First track is called Better Days and yes there will be better days, I have to believe that. The whole album’s lyrics I can connect with.

Work is a safe place and keep me distracted from everything else. Decided I needed to tell my boss Russ about my news. He just looked at me and said ‘fuck’ and then told me he was very familiar with this type of cancer as his mum had it and lost her battle as she didn’t realise until too late. When is too late? He then said are you ok to be here because if you are not just go home. I said no I need to be normal, it’s all I have right now. We agree business as usual. He is a great guy, I am thankful for that.

Denis and Scotty always keep me laughing and smiling and Diane comes over to see me for a hug and once again I am about to have a meltdown in an open office, not today, please. So much love around. Claire is so supportive and upbeat I really like this lady, there is realness there that I crave at this time. My buddy Chris ‘king of selfies’ bought me a bottle of Roberto Cavalli vodka, a huge beautiful bottle. I said are you trying to kill me lol! Friends rock you know, in times of trouble you really know who your friends are. They gather around, they won’t leave you alone for a moment.

Got an email from Elaine saying she had sent 2 gifts to reception, 1 – for my boyfriend and I and 2- something to pass the time. Moments later they arrived at my desk. Some beautiful books – one a cookbook as I had told her Nathan loves to cook. I hardly know Elaine so this is so touching. The other box was full of sweeties. Bless her.

The day passes  as normal, some meetings and catching up on the all the new aircraft joining the fleet and putting things in order, I know how to do that. Now time to head over to the Apron Cafe to meet Lexi who is organising my yearly event. Love Lexi she is so pregnant and still rocking the highest heels! She had a vodka luge ice sculpture made as a with an aircraft inside it as a surprise for me. OMG haha! She even arranged for flavoured voddie which everyone knows is my weakness. I really was not able to have much as I was driving to Cardiff later. She says you have changed! ha! I said no just have someone important to get to!

Arranged to meet Debbie my TAG wife before the event started for a quick catch up and a huge hug as she had to dash off early. Debbie changed her profile picture on the book to the Stand up to Cancer one, for me, never thought that would ever be me. Very touching.

The gathering was lovely, great to see my lovelies there. Carrie L and Carrie C, Colette, Sharon, Kerrie, Hayley, Laetitia, Lydia, Alejandro, Chris A and Chris T, Cigdem, Diane, Scotty, Sean, Denis, Kimberley, Kamal and Lorna. I hope I haven’t missed anyone. I just played normal and hosted as you do. Conscious of the fact most of these folk don’t know and I don’t need to dampen the mood, it is the festive season after all. Erik Laan our wine guru was on hard with some great wines to taste as always, starting with our fave bubbles, Vilmart. He has been with me for a years now, he knows wine and how to captivate with his knowledge. I do know some great peeps.

8pm sharp I am out the door after saying farewell to all and hit the road for Cardiff, praying for no traffic, accidents or roadwork! I just need to get to Cardiff to see my boy, just need those cuddles. 2 hours later I am ‘home’ with Nathan. It’s very festive in his gaff and it’s so warm and inviting. He just is not used to seeing me suited and booted, I thought I should arrive that way for a change. He said you got a nice bum in that suit! Ha. He likes a man in a suit 🙂

Time to have a play with Nathan’s MacAir book and I must say my boy makes me laugh as he is so not tech savvy and all the pilava with passwords and codes is frustrating to say the least. We have turned a corner, Nathan has a computer now 🙂 A few voddies are needed and I must say I couldn’t get them in fast enough. Cuddled on the sofa in the kitchen I gave him my Tiffany ring to wear. We are calling it the reserved ring! Love him. It means so much to me that he wants to wear it. Only for now, we can work on something more official in better times.

Received so many lovely messages from people, Sue messaged to say she was thinking of me on her drive home from Manchester and was listening to ‘Lean on Me’ by Bill Withers and it made her think of Nathan and I. She is calling him my ‘wing man’. Also a message from Taylor who I met on Instagram ages ago from Kansas. I shared my blog with him and sent the most beautiful words and was even offering to create a piece of art for me. How amazing is that, we have never met. Norma messaged to see how I was and to offer some reflexology. People rock.

Leena sent me some information she was seeking from consultants she knew in Oz and Denis is looking into treatments available. My tribe rock. I am humbled to be surrounded by awesome people.

Had a quick FT call with Frankie this morning who is currently in Japan. She will be bringing Nathan to me on the 23rd as she will also be with us for Christmas. As I write this Pascale calls and I am once again in tears. She wishes she could make me all better again. Love her.

I feel crap but it’s really just my own stress that is doing this. I was not ill until I got the news. It’s the unknown I am afraid of. Give me something I can work with and let’s get the guns out. There really is so much more life to live.

I dropped Nathan off at work this morning and am in the salon later for a hair cut with the best. (did I mention Nathan is an awesome stylist!!) He is also treating me to a micro-dermabrasion facial. Let’s see if I can rid of some of this stress on my face. I feel like this past week has aged me. Need to get a grip.

We will go get the boys later (that’s the dogs for those of you who don’t know) and Nathan will give them a bath and we are going to close ourselves in for cuddles with them on the sofa, watch silly TV and DVDs. The bar is fully stocked too and I will make something nice for dinner for us. Standard foot rub for the boy too. He works so hard. A proper chill weekend ahead with my love.

Back to work now from the Cardiff office. Until next time. Thanks for reading. X






  1. Can’t stop thinking about you Mark I wish there was something I could do !!! glad your in Cardiff with your man sending you both the biggest hug Pammy xxx

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s