Had a busy old day at the office yesterday and even backed out of a meeting as was feeling so stressed. I just couldn’t stop think about What If? Stress can be quite painful, this I have learned during the past few weeks. Thinking back to my hearing the news about my problem on the 1st of December, it seems so long ago already. I have spent the last few weeks re-organising my life, my finances, duties at work you name it. Better be prepared for a bumpy road ahead.
Martin came to visit me in the evening (first time ever I might add) and we had a good catch up over some decaf coffee (voddie for me!). You see Martin is my intimate wax guy and it’s easy to bare my soul to him as I am normally baring other parts of my body lol. I spent most of the time telling him all about my romance with Nathan. I really am a lucky boy to have met someone so special at this point in my 50th year. Better late than never!
So many messages from people asking if I had any news and if my results had come in yet. I could not keep up with the amount of them. How amazing and humbling to have all these wonderful people worrying and praying for me. I am still overwhelmed.
Had a lovely chat with Nathan afterwards and he knew I was not in the best of moods. He said he had been thinking about something after our previous chat the night before. I had been telling him about my chat with Una in Iceland and how she had the same type of cancer as I have been diagnosed with. Apparently she had it for many years before it was detected. I was so angry at myself for not asking her more questions at the time, it seems as long as it’s not happening to you, it doesn’t really affect you. Think again right!? She told me that the biggest issue was being able to survive financially when going through treatment. Had I considered that Nathan would need to take time off work and come and stay with me through the hard times and could we afford this. All relevant and real issues. Would I be able to support both of us. I would find a way no matter what.
Una and I discussed this CHEMO treatment and she said you wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy, it’s really the worst thing ever. My heart sunk. Yes this could be me in a few weeks time. Was I up for the task? Complete change of lifestyle is on the cards and this was really getting to me.
Nathan then says I think you should come to Cardiff during treatment as I can look after you, I wouldn’t need to drive, could take nice walks in the fresh air. He always knows exactly what to say at the right time. I am so grateful that he was sent for me at exactly the right time too.
Woke up this morning at 0530 after a shit night’s sleep once again, dreaming of all kinds of bizarre things (more like nightmares actually!) Time to get up and get my ass to the gym. I look at my phone and I have a text from Nicki and she says she couldn’t sleep and was reading my blog, and said I was so inspirational. Not sure what the intention of the blog really is but it does help put my feelings into perspective. Nicki says she is going to Sprint class and I respond that I am doing the normal BodyAttack by Ems! She then says I will come to Attack and we will have a giggle. So off to the gym to meet Pammy, Norma, Nicki and the usual attack gang. Its a tough class and I am going for it. No holding back.
Got home and then started packing for my journey to Cardiff later on. Load up the car and get myself ready for work. I just feel so tense and stressed. Try to breath deeply and slowly I tell myself. Denis and I are in separate cars again and he texts to ask me how I am. I respond with I’m stressed but getting ready to face the day ahead. It’s business as usual.
While on the work phone with Debbie, my personal mobile rings with the standard unknown number and I of course assume it’s the hospital. My heart starts racing. I answer and it’s Dr Ivanov himself. I quickly hang up with Debbie all ready to hear what he has to say. I am so bloody nervous and shaking at this point.
He starts with I didn’t want to keep you in suspense any longer….the results from my PET scan are back and it is… completely clear…am I hearing this correctly??? He then says the lump we extracted was confirmed as anaplastic large cell lymphoma but that it has been removed completely. He used more technical terms which I hardly remember now. Only 2% of cancer cases, why I am so bloody special!! He says he now wants to confer with other colleagues in London before looking at any possible preventative treatment. He mentioned the normal treatment would be 6 doses of chemotherapy but it might be overkill in my situation. He says in any case there is no hurry and he said he would come back to me in due course, we would reconvene. I asked again are you sure the test was clear, he replies yes it’s good news. Fuck me, is it ever!
I immediately message Nathan as can’t just call him when he is with clients, I messaged a few people. Cynthia called immediately. I called Debbie back, she was in tears over my news. I was looking for Denis who had left his desk, told Scotty, ran to find Diane, called Claire over. OMFG I can’t believe what I have just been told. I message a few others Karen, Yvonne, Bernie, Pascale, TFB, Tommy, Pammy and Sue. This is a miracle, if you believe in such a thing. I do now.
I really do think that prayers are very powerful. Your life can change in a minute. I know that this is not the end of my story but at least I know it’s no longer a death sentence. It’s like being given a 2nd chance at life. You can carry on planning.
Thank you to everyone who was in touch, prayed for me and supported me through these extremely challenging few weeks. I am very touched and lucky to have you all in my life.
This will be a very special Christmas and the future is looking bright once again. In a few hours I will be off to Cardiff to be with Nathan and I can’t wait to give him the biggest hug ever.